With or Without You
by DharmaMotorPool
Summary: Secret Santa for CarolynneRuth. James celebrates Christmas with and without Juliet through the years and in the afterlife.


**A/N: This is my secret santa fic for CarolynneRuth, who requested either Christmas in the afterlife, or Christmas off island with the survivors. I decided to combine the two, so…I hope you like it :) Happy Christmas/New Year, CarolynneRuth!**

_Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la, la la la la_

The familiar holiday tune wafted through the air as James made his way through the mall. It was his first Christmas Eve since returning from the island; the first Christmas Eve in four years that he'd be spending without Juliet. He knew, as the song insisted, that it was the season to be jolly, but he couldn't help feeling miserable.

He had yet to find a gift for Miles, hence his last-minute trip to the crowded mall. He'd be getting together with Miles, Kate, Claire, Frank, Richard, Desmond, and Penny later, though he didn't feel much like celebrating the birth of Christ when the love of his life was dead, buried on some godforsaken island.

On his way to find wherever they sold duct tape (he thought it would make a nice gag gift), he passed by a jewelry store. His eye caught sight of something familiarly sparkly, and he did a double take. There, in the display case, was the same kind of ring he'd bought for Juliet. He moved closer to it. "What the…" he whispered to himself, brow furrowed. It wasn't just the same _kind_ of ring, it was _the_ ring. He could make out the engraving on the inside of the band.

_I'll always have your back, Blondie. Forever, James._

"Hey, dude. I _knew_ you'd notice that," Hurley's proud voice came from behind him.

James jumped in surprise and turned around. "What…_Hugo?"_ he asked in disbelief. "What are you—how did you—I don't—"

"Chillax, man, I had to get your attention somehow," Hurley said with a laugh. "Go on, take it. Don't worry, it's okay," he assured a very uncertain-looking James. "Seriously," Hugo said, reaching out and taking the ring, inside its box, and handing it to James, who stared at it reluctantly.

"Hugo, I don't want this. I threw it in the water for a reason," James protested.

"Yeah, cause you were sad, and grieving, and stuff. You thought it would help more if you just forgot about her, but dude, I'm telling you, that's not the way."

"Oh what the hell do you know?" James asked with an angry sigh, closing the ring box so he wouldn't have to think about it anymore.

"I lost the love of my life, too," Hurley reminded him.

James sighed again, this time more in defeat than anger. "I'm sorry."

"Look, you don't wanna forget her. Believe me. She hasn't forgotten you."

"How do you know that?"

"She told me."

"Come again?" James asked in shock.

"I can do this thing, it's one of those weird, island protector thingies, but—anyway, she told me. She said she loves you and that she's waiting. And…"

"And what?"

"She uh, wants you to visit Rachel," Hurley told him tentatively.

"Her sister? Nuh uh, no way, got it? I can't, I just…I can't."

"You can. Think of it as your Christmas present to both Juliet and Rachel. She deserves to know what happened to her sister, from the man who loves her."

James stared at his island buddy for a long while before nodding, just once, to signal his consent. "I'll talk to her."

Hurley rested a hand on James' shoulder, "It was good seeing you, man. Tell everyone I say hi, okay?"

"I will," he promised, not objecting a bit when Hurley wrapped him in a big bear hug. He chuckled softly, "Alright, Kong," he teased, "I'll be seein' ya."

"In another life, brother," Hurley joked, imitating Desmond's signature phrase.

James laughed, "Yeah, somethin' like that."

They parted ways after that, and James did his shopping, all the while thinking about the ring in his pocket and the promises he'd made to Hurley. When he told everyone about his encounter at the mall, they at first thought he'd been hallucinating. Then, he showed them the ring.

"Oh my god," Kate said, turning it in her fingers and looking at the inscription, "You threw this thing into the water, I saw you do it. How did he—"

"Big, bad, island protector powers or somethin'," James said, cutting her off and taking back the ring.

"So are you gonna do it? Are you gonna go see Rachel?" Kate asked.

"Yeah," James replied, "I'm doin' this for her," he said nostalgically, a lump growing in his throat.

_x x x_

He flew to Miami after the new year. Richard had given him the address. He didn't know if he could handle this yet, but there was no time to change his mind now. He stood at the other Carlson sister's front door, and when she pulled it open, he released a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I…I'm James Ford. I came to tell you about your sister—about Juliet."

They talked, uninterrupted, for six hours.

_x x x_

_Juliet,_

_I'm not exactly sure how to do this. _

_I met Rachel. She said I should write letters to you. Said it's therapeutic, or something. I ain't much of a writer, but you know that, so hopefully you'll forgive me if I'm bad at it. _

_Hugo came to see me. Told me you said hi from beyond the grave, or whatever, and gave me back the ring I thought I lost. _

_That's a lie. I didn't think I lost it. I purposely got rid of it. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know I shouldn't have done that, but it hurt too much to hold onto it. It reminded me of you, and the fact that I never got the balls to actually ask you. I never got to put that ring on your finger, and now it's too late. _

_Hugo was right. I tried to forget about you, but that's never gonna happen. I don't really want it to, either. I love you, Sunshine, and whether you're here with me or not, that'll never change._

_Something's been eating at me ever since that day – the last day I spent with you. You told me you saw the way I looked at her – at Kate. Sunshine, I still don't understand what you saw, but whatever it was, I promise, it wasn't anything like the kind of love I feel for you. I never thought this kind of love could happen to me. I sure as hell never thought I deserved a woman like you. That's why I went for Kate at first. She was screwed up, like me, and I didn't think I deserved better. She means a lot to me and always will, but she ain't you. Kate's heart is with Jack, and mine is and always will be with you, wherever you are._

_Christmas wasn't the same without you. I woke up thinking we were gonna decorate our tree, that I had to find a gift for you, that I had to ask Horace about getting the 26__th__ off so we could lie in bed all day…I missed you. I missed our Christmas. I missed our New Years' kiss. _

_Hugo said you're waiting for me. I sure as hell hope he's right, because I can't think of anything better than spending an eternity with you in whatever life is waiting for us after this. I hope you're there, Sunshine, and I hope you know how much I love you. _

_Yours,_

_James_

_x x x_

_Juliet,_

_A lot has changed in the last year. I still love and miss you as much as ever, but that's a given. _

_I got in touch with Cassidy. Clem is a nine-year-old spitfire. I dunno how she got so damn smart, but she's a tiny little genius. She'd adore you. I tell her about you sometimes. About us, and our life together. I don't tell her everything – I don't think she's ready for that kinda stuff – but she knows the important things. _

_For Christmas, she gave me an ornament with my name on it. She had one made for you, too. Keeps on asking me if my real name is Romeo. She's not old enough to understand the ending of that play, but she knows Romeo and Juliet "loved each other to the moon and back", like I love you. I never thought I'd be a good dad, and I know I'd be a better one if I was raising her with you by my side, but I think I'm getting the hang of it, Blondie. It's all cause of you. You always believed in me more than I believed in myself._

_Rachel and Julian are both happy and healthy. You know, I think he and Clem might be an item someday. He's a pretty big flirt, for a 7-year-old. I think he gets that from you, ha ha._

_I keep thinking about how Hugo said you're "waiting" for me. I hope wherever you are, you're not alone. Are Sun and Jin there? Jack, Sayid, anyone? I don't want you being lonely while you wait for me to find you, and I __**will**__ find you someday, Sunshine. I promise. _

_Forever and then some,_

_Romeo_

_x x x_

_Sunshine, _

_Clem is graduating high school in the spring, can you believe it? Over the years, I've been filling her in on our story, piece by piece. I wish I had a picture of you to show her. I can't do justice describing you in words. _

_Christmas still isn't the same without you, but we hang your ornament on the tree every year, right next to mine. _

_I was right about Clem and Julian. It took a few years for them to get over the whole "cootie" phase, but they struck up a real romance this year. Clem's headed off to Stanford in the fall. She wants to be a pediatrician…she was inspired by you._

_I still have the ring. I look at it almost every day and wish I could see it on you, just once. _

_I love you, baby. Always. _

_James_

_x x x_

_Juliet,_

_My little girl and your nephew tied the knot today, on Christmas. It was just a small little shindig, but it was perfect that way. I wish you'd been there. Rachel gave a toast that honored you. It even had me tearing up. _

_I miss you something terrible, sweetheart, more and more every year. It hurts less, but it still feels like part of me is missing. I don't think that's ever gonna go away. Not 'til I've got you in my arms again, at least._

_I can't believe the kids are this grown up already. Feels like just yesterday I was waking up with you in the 70s. The ring's still on my bedside table. I'm saving it for you, Blondie, because I know one day I'll finally get to give it to you. That's what keeps me going. _

_To the moon and back,_

_James_

_x x x_

_Juliet, _

_Another year gone by already. Clem and Julian are expecting a baby – a little girl to be named Juliet. _

_Hurley came by again, this time with that picture of you I wanted; the one Miles took of us in front of the Christmas tree in 1976. Clem said you look even prettier than she pictured you. I agree. I haven't forgotten your face, even after all these years. I still see it every time I close my eyes at night._

_The island feels like a dream now. Like it was another life. I guess it __**was**__ another life. As hard as it's been for me to accept that you're gone, I think there's a reason for it. Listen to me, I sound like I swallowed Locke. Anyway, I think I needed to learn to live without you so that when we're reunited, I'll appreciate you more. I never did deserve you back then, but I think I'm working my way there now. You were already perfect, you didn't have to do anything, but if I wanna be with you forever, I've gotta earn it. _

_I love you so much, Blondie. _

_Always, _

_James_

_x x x_

_Blondie, _

_Our granddaughter is beautiful. I say 'our' because I did something for you this Christmas. It's actually something I've been working on for a while, but it finally came through. After Juliet II was born, I spent some time in France to get everything set up. With a little help from my new sis-in-law, I married you posthumously on Christmas. _

_I thought you'd be okay with it. Whenever people ask if I'm married, I already tell them "my wife passed away". Marriage is more than just some piece of paper, anyway, that's what you always said – and what we had, Blondie…that was a marriage. That was the real deal. You were and are and always will be my wife… I hope you're alright with that, cause you're stuck with me._

_Little Juliet looks just like her mother, except for her eyes. Her eyes are the bluest I've ever seen, except for yours, of course. 8 months old, and she's already starting to walk. She's gonna be brilliant. I don't know what I did to get all these incredible women in my life, but whatever it was, I'm glad I did it. _

_I still think of you every day, baby. I can't wait to see you again, but until I do, I'm finally learning to enjoy the ride. _

_To the moon and back, _

_(Officially) Your husband, James _

_x x x_

_Sunshine, _

_Desmond passed away this year. Penny followed a few months after. Have you seen them anywhere? Do you see any of the others? I've been wondering how it works, if it'll be just you and me, or if everyone's gonna be there. I don't think I'd mind much either way._

_Little Jules started high school this year. Feels like just yesterday that Clem was there. I'm surprised at how quick the time is passing. The first few years without you felt like forever, but now they're flying by. I'm supposing you're responsible for that, at least in part. Looking forward to writing you these letters every year helps keep me going. Now I know it's just another year closer to being with you again. _

_I've grown up, Blondie. Coming back to the "real world" again, being a dad, being a grandpa…I'd never have been able to do any of it without you. Before you, I was just an angry man. You made me into the man I'd always __**wanted**__ to be. The man you said you saw inside me all along that I just had to learn to let out. I never took the time to thank you for that, baby, but I hope you know how much I love you for it._

_Amor ad Aeternam (I took Others 101 with Richard),_

_James_

_x x x_

_Blondie,_

_I'm coming soon. I think this is gonna be the last letter, the last Christmas, but I don't mind that. I don't fear death, not when I know you're on the other side waiting for me. _

_We became great-grandparents this year. Little Juliet and her husband gave us a great-grandson, Julian James. What is it with our family and the J names, anyway? _

_Miles and Richard say hello, I'm supposed to tell you that. _

_I'll be seeing you, baby._

_All my love,_

_James_

_x x x_

"Merry Christmas!" Hurley greeted them at the door, hugging them both simultaneously.

James laughed, "Merry Christmas yourself, Hugo," he said happily.

"Merry Christmas," Juliet said with a bright smile, kissing Hurley's cheek as they entered the house, presents in tow. On her left hand, a very familiar ring glittered in the light.

"We're all here now, we can exchange gifts," Hurley said excitedly, leading them to the living room, where everyone was gathered. After more hugs and hellos, gifts were traded. From John to Charlie, a Senet game set. From Kate to Sun, several packets of seeds for vegetables and exotic flowers. From Juliet to Sayid, an "I Heart Blondes" t-shirt, and a book of Muslim prayers. From James to Daniel, a book Charlotte had said he wanted. From Hurley to James…a box full of letters.

Upon further examination, James realized that they were all the letters he'd written to Juliet during the years he'd spent without her. "Hugo," he said, shaking his head, not sure how to respond to such a gift. "Thank you."

"Anytime, man."

"What are those?" Juliet asked curiously.

"I'll show you later," James said with a smile, winking at Hurley.

And he did show her. She teared up several times, even though he'd already told her about everything that had happened once he'd left the island. The letters told her more about what he felt than he knew how to articulate to her.

"I love you, James. I love you so much," she said, kissing him tenderly.

"I'm so glad I get to spend Christmas with you again, baby," he replied, kissing her again. "I love you, too."

_**Finis**_.


End file.
